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How to Recover From An Affair
When an affair is discovered, both partners may feel as if they are buried under an avalanche of emotions. There is the undeniable reality that “the agreements” surrounding their relationship are no longer in place, and primary among the agreements is unconditional trust for their partner. The mind-exploding, hand-trembling, knees wobbling, heart pounding truth is that your partner was not trustworthy, and in one swift and shocking moment, the world as you knew it suddenly changes.
Your mind may suddenly not be able to stop what can only be described as self-punishing thoughts: I thought I was special, who am I now, I thought I could trust him/her, who else knows, who is safe to talk to, how can we stay together after this, what do we do now. In fact, a sense of profound and unimaginable loss may consume you.
Now is not the time to make quick life-changing decisions – now is the time to reach out for professional help. While talking with your friends and family may offer the much needed support and comfort you need at the moment, it is only a temporary "fix" because understanding the underlying reasons that caused the affair will be the healing cure for each partner. We understand that your friends and family are important right now, but remember, their advice and counsel may be highly biased and provide only what you “want” to hear, and not what you “need” to hear. A professional counselor can provide both the hurt partner and the unfaithful partner a nurturing, nonjudgmental place where deep hurts and painful feelings can be sorted out, and where the two of you can calmly and intelligently decide what to do. Whether that is to separate for a while, file for a divorce or work on rebuilding your relationship, a professional counselor can provide the structure and techniques necessary to help you make this critical decision.
Here Are Some Guidelines to Consider As You Begin To Sort Out Your Feelings:
1. Affairs can be viewed as neither good nor bad – they are a measure of the unmanaged dysfunction that has existed in your relationship.
2. There is neither victim nor victimizer. Both partners have the ability to make choices regarding their own behavior. Understanding how each partner’s behaviors contributed to the affair is essential. By taking responsibility for your part, there is a humbling of attitude and relinquishing of vengeance that can occur. Try not to assign blame.
3. Do not decide to stay together “no matter what” or split up because of the extreme emotions you feel immediately upon discovery of the affair. Instead, explore decisions/choices, and return to logic. Remember, emotions at this time cannot be trusted.
Stages of Recovery
1. Normalize your feelings. Hurt, sorrow, loss of self, anger, shame, guilt, confusion are expected, normal and appropriate.
2. Decide to stay or go. Explore how you define love, how you choose a partner, how you would be able to trust yourself again. Specify what actions, attitudes and emotions it would take to trust your unfaithful partner and/or others again.
3. When you choose to rebuild: First and foremost, you must end the affair. Recognize the pain that the unfaithful partner caused the faithful partner. Uncover what created the need to go outside the partnership in the first place, and then begin working on rebuilding trust.
We have provided only a glimpse of the work that has to be done in order to recover from an affair. We encourage you to seek the professional help necessary for building a new, solid foundation for your life. Linda and Mickey are specialists in helping you rebuild. Please call us.
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