It’s Tough Being a Good Parent…
Being a good parent is the hardest job on Earth. Most people believe that all it takes is patience. That’s similar to the belief that if I wait long enough, my flat tire won’t be flat any more. Parenting is a pro-active (rather than passive) activity. So, what do we think is involved in good parenting?
1. Be like gravity – be consistent. If your child is riding their bike, and loses their balance, they will fall – every single time. Gravity is gravity, always. Gravity doesn’t make exceptions. Gravity doesn’t have favorites.
2. Be clear. Be clear in what your house rules are, in what your personal conduct rules are, and most important, what the consequences for behavior are. Consequences are neither good nor bad. They are what happens after behavior occurs. What’s the difference between a consequence and a punishment? Consequences are clearly spelled out, so that the child can make an informed choice regarding their behavior. This teaches responsibility, forethought, logic and reason. A punishment is an unknown, and usually ends up being over the top and inappropriate – teaching the child nothing about self control or responsibility.
3. Be sure your rules and consequences are age appropriate for your child, and equal to the infraction. The suggested time length for “time-outs” is one minute for each year of the child’s age. Three year olds get three minute time-outs. Older children can have privileges restricted – no TV or computer that day. NEVER take away what your child has already earned. That would be punishment similar to your boss saying “you made a mistake, so I’m docking your paycheck.” If you have already accepted an invitation to a play-date, or party, your child still gets to attend – find a regular activity to restrict, or an additional chore to be done as the consequence.
4. Be firm in your rules even if it is inconvenient or embarrassing for you (gravity again.) The consequence of fighting in the car, while Mom or Dad is driving, is that the car is pulled over to the side of the road until the fighting stops. Yes, you may be late to wherever you are going. The consequence of a temper tantrum in public is that everyone goes home – immediately. Yes, leave the shopping where it is and immediately walk out of the store. Every single time. (Remember - gravity.)
5. Be balanced. Rules and restrictions need to be balanced with praise and acknowledgments of jobs well done, and rewards for consistency and/or efforts by your child that went above and beyond.
6. Your past wild behavior has nothing to do with your current house rules for your child. Illegal drugs are illegal. The drinking age is 21. Drugs and alcohol negatively affect the development of the growing brain. This is not about “fair.” It’s about being a responsible parent.
7. Finally, make family time every day so all members of the family can “check in” with each other daily. It can be five minutes during the car ride to school, or right before the children go to sleep. Regardless of hectic school/work schedules, have at least one family sit down dinner every week, which lasts at least an hour. Your weekly family dinner is your opportunity to discuss anything and everything. It is your children’s opportunity to practice discussions and express their options without harsh criticisms, retribution or embarrassment. Family dinner is the opportunity where children discover whether or not it’s safe to bring their problems to you for help (preparation for when they are teens…)
Every child is an individual. Personality and birth order make each child’s needs different from their siblings. For more detailed help with your family’s unique situation, please call Linda or Mickey.
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